Vulnerable
Vulnerable … that’s what I called this clay bowl.
My friends from the Ceramic Club in Slovenia often tell me …
”Thea, that`s risky to make such thin-walled pots … it will not survive the fire”.
Yes, you have to work carefully and gently to make something tender and fragile out of clay. Patience is needed, do not rush things. You have to give the clay drying time during molding time again and again to stabilize it before you continue. At the same time you must not wait too long, otherwise it will be brittle and break. You have to develop a sense of how thin you can work the wall. Yes, it is risky. The pot could even break during molding. I have also learned that it is better not to set yourself on an exact end result. Better to be guided by a rough idea. In my experience, an interaction develops between clay and potter. Feeling the material becomes possible, it creates freedom to be guided by the clay, it creates space for unfamiliar and new perspectives, even mistakes can be included in the design. The result is open, surprising and often amazing.
When I’m pottering, I’m always mentally inspired. Often it is images and stories of life, of people, of the transcendent that somehow crystallise in the process of pottery.
“Vulnerability is not a weakness. To show yourself vulnerable requires courage. Allowing vulnerability is the basis for the emergence of deep and authentic relationships. There is no real closeness without vulnerability”
says Brene Brown in her book “Daring Greatly” (Her Ted Talk is posted below)
To show vulnerability promotes relationships that are characterized by authentic communion, where honest encounters happen. But it’s not easy to face our weaknesses and mistakes, talking about our fears and insecurities, asking stupid questions, communicating our doubts, admitting disappointment … there’s so much that makes you vulnerable. Shame and fear are big obstacles to vulnerability.
I need a “safe place”, someone who works with me gently and patiently. Someone who gets involved with me, tries to understand me. Someone who has no preconceived opinion, assessment or solution. And especially someone for whom my mistakes are not everything that represents me. Someone who accepts this side as part of me and is willing to treat them with leniency, thereby allow new thoughts, paths and change. I wish us all these honest relationships.
But also that we are ready to be a safe place for others.
An ancient saying suggests not looking at the splinter in the other’s eye, but taking care of the log in our own eye. How quickly does loveless critical and judgmental thinking gain the upper hand over others while I have no awareness of my own deficiency? To blame someone usually triggers a defensive position … a boomerang effect starts. But what would happen if I had the courage to talk about my own “log”? Perhaps this would be a precursor to a relationship characterized by the freedom to show each other vulnerability, thus gaining closeness and depth.
Thea, Jan 2020
Photo by Francesco Ungaro on Unsplash
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Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts. Following your pottery analogy, it takes time and care to be vulnerable and to create a climate that allows others to be vulnerable. But the resulting beauty as seen in the photo is well worth it. I am challenged by this imagery as I begin my day and spend time with people.
Thanks for these good thoughts. I find that I highly respect and admire people who make themselves vulnerable. So it seems strange that it would be so hard to do so, yet it seems to be so.
Discussing vulnerability with friends, it seems to me that this word is charged with meaning and not always good. We wrestled with the question of how to be able to function in a world where vulnerability may be a sign of weakness and might allow others to hurt us, whether it is at work or in the neighborhood. In the end, we identified several occasions in which vulnerability worked well for building positive relationships, even if the negatives of being vulnerable with the wrong person or at the wrong time are present. I personally would like to be able to be vulnerable in a way that is beneficial with those I most deeply care for, and wise or careful with contexts that do not prove safe. I will post some more specifics in Spanish, as that is the language we used!
Creo que la palabra vulnerabilidad en español, a veces, pero no siempre, se refiere a algo provechoso en las relaciones humanas. Necesito definir en qué contexto ser vulnerable. En mi entorno si uno muestra vulnerabilidad es posible que esté ofreciendo algo bueno a los demás, como decir, yo vengo en son de paz. Pero otras veces me parece que el contexto social nos pide honestidad con cautela, o valentía con los demás en lo que decimos y hacemos, pero sin mostrar siempre un candor que otros puedan interpretar como ingenuidad. La sinceridad, por ejemplo, es una meta buena en las relaciones humanas, pero me parece que no siempre está presente.
Thea, thank you for the living way you have put this dangerous word–vulnerability–on the table, through your art and life. We are building our upcoming international Nexus event around this theme, as it feels so foundational to the conversations that most interest us. I hope we will be able to treat it in a way that opens new possibilities for people.
Dan raises some thought provoking issues. One factor in whether being vulnerable is positive or negative could be discerning if it comes from inner strength and security, or not. When it does I sense it is the inner strength itself that allows for openness and vulnerability.
Thank you for your thoughtful piece, Thea. I like the comparison to pottery-making, where you describe being very in tune with the give and take of the clay in each moment, needing to leave behind preconceived ideas of what you thought or hoped the creation would be and, instead, let the conditions of the moment dictate your choices. Moments of vulnerability seem very much like that. There is an intuitive sensing process that goes on, testing the give and take of the “rightness” of the time, place, and feeling for risking vulnerability. Being vulnerable often turns out to create something incredibly beautiful. But, sometimes, the entire thing falls apart. Will we let the inherent risk stop us from taking a chance on greater closeness and depth?
Vulnerability is precious. There are many times when we need to be thick-skinned…times when the best thing we can do for our loved ones is to hide or fears and insecurities. Vulnerability, like all things precious quickly lose value when spent indiscriminately.
When we are vulnerable at just the right time, in the right place, with just the right person, it can bring tremendous encouragement and depth to the relationship.